Shame/Guilt, not “FEELING” worthy, unlovable, etc. Part II

I’m still triggered by a LOT of past pain from emotionally absent parents growing up and some neglect/trauma triggering my beliefs of not being good enough and not being able to trust men or women. intellectually I understand it is all an illusion, ego, false-self, but my heart is still blocked and I never felt accepted growing up and I still seek acceptance and validation from women that I never got from mom or dad.

this is the first time mentioning this on this blog, but I grew up with a tooth deformity, so I never smiled or talked to people for several decades and then I had very expensive cosmetic dental work a decade or so ago and it messed up my jaw and speech for about a decade until I started doing myofascial stretching etc. So, I have been on heavy medication in the past for OCD, BDD, and depression and anxiety. I just have weaned myself off of prozac and looking to naturally heal my pain. So, I have a lot of FORGIVENESS issues around my mom not taking care of my teeth and providing love and support to me as well as being mad at myself as I thought I should have taken better care of myself growing up with bully issues and I was so shut down that I still had a front baby tooth at the end of the eighth grade, which resulted in a front tooth deformity when my adult tooth came in while I still had a baby tooth. So, I have lived with body dysmorphic disorder for 30+ years including being in therapy in Los Angeles at a BDD clinic for a year last year. I never had healthy relationships growing up, so I resorted to having unhealthy relationships and obsessions with my body instead. MY THERAPIST SAYS THAT I WAS HURT IN RELATIONSHIPS AND THAT I WILL HEAL IN RELATIONSHIPS, which I have met a lot of great people over the last year. But I’ve never had any close friends or best friends growing up (men or women), friends that I could count on or confide in, or hang out with. I was severely dissociated/numbed out for several decades and I am trying to heal extensive pain. Part of my healing is that I have some lingering shame and guilt around my past story and I was attached to my story of being a VICTIM for a long time because I had no othe identity. But sharing my story with others is healing and comforting and so the feeling of NOT HAVING CLOSE FRIENDS FOR 40 YEARS leaves with this hole of I need to make up for the past, which comes across as needy and wanting. I haven’t been able to totally release my Past yet. I DECIDED THAT IF I COULD MAKE IT BACK PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY THAT I WOULD DEDICATE MY LIFE TO HELPING OTHER PEOPLE, WHICH IS WHY I AM PURSUING HEALING/COACHING WORK. not looking for sympathy. telling my story helps heal some of the shame and guilt and that my story isn’t me.

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