I’m having a very, very difficult time with the feelings of lonileness and “not good enough” when it comes to finding a female interest/female partner in my life right now and over the last several months, which stems back to my childhood feelings and beliefs and dysfunctional family environment growing up and being isolated, numb and not letting people get close to me for 45 years. I have done a lot of healing work over the last 7-8 years to un-numb myself and to let people get closer to me over the last few months including joining a lot of meetup groups, facebook, going to events, being friendlier to males and females, etc. I feel like I have made a lot of friends and connections over the last four months, more than in my previous 45 years as a human being becoming “invisible” as my ego wanted to avoid pain.
after 45 years, I finally feel like I have something to offer to people and a potential female partner as I have healed a lot of my “shadow” stuff, so I have been more assertive through single dating websites, going to and starting up meetup groups, going out to different events that interest me and that I am passionate about etc, but it seems like there is a WALL between me and females and just can’t figure or feel out what the problem is so the ego goes into overdrive as I ask myself: What do females want from me? Why am I not good enough? What do I have to do in order to be more attractive to females? Why can’t I just accept and be okay with maybe never finding a female partner to share my heart with? AND ON AND ON.
I turn to spirituality, food, music, alcohol, masturbation, etc. in order to try to soothe and comfort these feelings of separation and inadequacy of not bringing enough to the table to attract a female interest. I KNOW THAT MY NEEDY, CLINGING, GRASPING, DESIRING, WANTING ENERGY ISN’T GOING TO ATTRACT A FEMALE INTEREST THAT WOULD BE A GOOD PARTNER FOR ME, BUT I’M HAVING A DIFFICULT TIME GIVING UP TRYING TO CONTROL THIS ASPECT OF MYSELF AND JUSTING BEING AND LETTING THE UNIVERSE DECIDE WHEN OR IF I SHOULD EVER FIND A SIGNIFICANT OTHER. ESPECIALLY NOW, THAT I AM FINALLY HEALING AND SHOWING INTEREST IN FEMALES AFTER 45 YEARS OF NUMBNESS. IT’S LIKE I AM JEALOUS BECAUSE I HAVEN’T HAD A LOT OF CLOSE INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS WITH FEMALES IN THE PAST AND I FEEL LIKE I AM A GOOD PERSON AND I AM “ENTITLED” TO HAVE AND FIND SOMEONE AS I WOULD BE A GOOD MALE PARTNER. I’M JUST SO LOST IN THIS AREA OF MY LIFE.
Comments from Texas LightWorkers Group:
Cathy Thorsen Thank you for baring your heart here. You are not lost. These things have only clouded your vision. You are right where you need to be doing exactly what you need to do to move forward. Just observe every thought and feeling that arises, and it will lead you to the truth you need to realize your freedom.
You have to feel it to heal it, and you will feel it all as you move closer. May you be brave and know the monsters are all illusions. I doubt there is a healer alive who has not been activated by their own wounding.
thanks. I know. even sharing my feelings in public, private on TLW wall is HUGE for me, but being vulnerable and open is healing for me. I can feel it. sharing and caring is what it is all about, right.
it may sound weird, but I feel like maybe everything that happened to me was my destiny, my spiritual practice, my GIFT to the world.
i know. that is why I have gone through numerous cathartic workshops and slowly letting people get to know me through various meetups and at work. etc. it is a challenge for me, to say the least. that is why I am starting up these meetups and going to social events, etc. That is a huge step for me. as I use to have huge social phobia, panic attacks, social isolation, issues in the past. you should have seen me as a kid, teenager and in my 20-30’s. I probably would have been the most withdrawn and closed person that you would have ever met back then. I’ve come a long way back from being a zombie.
All the times we feel alone, we are choosing alonemess over the risk of being loved.
If you truly want to heal, you need to move through the discomfort you will face between you and what you want.
The only way out is through.
By the way, there is nothing unattractive about you. It’s just that when we are ambivalent, wanting to love, yet afraid to, we transmit that ambivalence like a radio signal.